Intro 1
Metaphor is all around us and is used everywhere there is language. It can be found in music, casual conversation, and even in the doctor’s office. To understand why we use metaphors, we first need to understand what a metaphor is. James Geary describes this the best, citing that Aristotle’s classic definition of a metaphor is the process of giving something a name that belongs to something else. Now that we know what a metaphor is, why would we want to use it? To some, a metaphor may seem like a way to beat around the bush, but this is exactly why metaphors are useful in our lives. It is very likely that you read in the last sentence, “beat around the bush” without having to hesitate and rethink what you read. This is because of how common metaphors are in our communication. Metaphors are creative ways of interpreting the world around us. They allow us to obtain a deeper understanding of things that we don’t know much about, by relating new ideas to things we already know about. Metaphors are especially useful in the ways we perceive our bodies, experience illnesses, and pursue our better health.
Intro 2
When I was young, my mom would always tell me when I was sick to get some rest, so my body could fight it off. No matter what type of sickness it was, I would always be fighting it off, or there would be some reference to an ongoing battle inside my body. After listening for these metaphors more closely, they are found everywhere. One place these metaphors are especially found are in the doctor’s office. For example, we often use war metaphors when we speak about illnesses, like fighting a cold, or defending against infection. These metaphors are very useful to patients. They simplify the situation, and make it easier to understand. Patients whose physicians use metaphors are more likely to think that their physician understands their condition more, and therefore put more trust in them. Although this seems to be a great reason for metaphors to be used in the doctor’s office, it is detrimental to the patient’s health. Metaphors should not be used by physicians to explain illnesses and diseases, because of the negative outcomes and internal conflict that may arise inside of the patient’s mind.
I enjoyed how your first introduction paragraph flowed through nicely, explaining your points in small detail before getting deeper into the paper. Your thesis in your first introduction is very well written, providing a road map for your topics.
One thing you should focus on in your first intro is providing a quick example for how health pertains to metaphors. You could even pull an example from your second attempt at the intro and place it into the first if you wanted to.
In intro paragraph 1, I really liked how you included the “beating around the bush” metaphor because it shows the reader how relevant metaphors are. I think the use of this metaphor allows for a smooth transition into the topic. In intro paragraph 2, I like how you used the example of being sick. I think it was also a smooth transition into the topic.
One thing I feel could be stronger is just adding a bit more about how it is detrimental to the patient’s health. I think this could make your paragraph flow right into the thesis, while covering your topic at the same time.