Screenshots of my comments on a peer’s free draft are at the bottom of my blog.
Camden’s Review
Overall, I thought you had a great start to your essay. You take a very clear position on how you feel about the subject, and that is something I enjoyed. You also made very strong points to support your thesis. One example that I liked that you should keep in your final draft would be the example of how people’s life choices are related to the butterfly effect. Because I am into physics, I understood exactly what you meant and could relate it to the story. I also liked how you gave a quick explanation of what it was for people who may not know much about it. Some suggestions I have for making your paper better are to shorten your first body paragraph and add in a narrative project. First, the narrative project is required so that has to happen. Also, that first body paragraph could probably be cut into at least two different paragraphs.
Ryan’s Review
You have a strong start to your essay. You make some great points and I believe that it is something that can be developed into a great essay. One thing you did very well was make great points to support your thesis. Your points were very clear and made your position clear also. Another thing that you could do to help improve your essay would be to add your idea in about music. Adding a link to the song you were talking about and explaining that could help to further your ideas and give another angle to your thesis. One thing that you definitely need to do is find a place to cut down, because you are a little bit over word count. One place that you could consider revising is your body paragraphs, they say what you want to say but they are lengthy. Also, I think it would be helpful to clarify your thesis, and make it pop more so you can argue a definitive and clear position.
My Strategy
- My goal is to edit my essay taking into consideration what my peers have said, to clarify my ideas and better organize my essay.
- The steps I will take to achieve this are to first read my peer’s comments, then carefully consider what will help me to achieve these goals, revisit the texts, and lastly execute this by adding in ideas that I think are helpful.
- My biggest challenge will be trying to clarify my ideas and add to them without going over word count.
- If I encounter a problem that is too challenging for me to handle on my own, I will first ask my peers for help, then Emmy, then Professor Emerson.
Pictures of a Peer Review
Your 150-word comments look great. I want you to continue to increase your focus on global issues (less sentence level) when you reveiw a peer’s text. I like how you articulated your challenge. Remember that using efficient and clear language can help you acheive more with less.