Jared
Overall, your essay was very good. One thing you did very well was make great connections to your future career. Your example about the person who needs a bicep exercise with carpal tunnel was a great example of how you need creativity which comes from art. One quote I would suggest adding in is the quote about art being the seeds for scientific progress. This would help to support your idea that art is what where the creativity in exercise science comes from. One thing that you could improve on is your introduction paragraph. I thought your hook was great and it did a good job of getting my attention, but your thesis and quote seemed a little out of order. Perhaps consider putting the quote before your thesis, and maybe trying to condense the three sentences of your thesis into one or two, to make it more clear and easier to pick out.
Kamryn
Your essay was very good and overall, was clear and made strong points for your ideas. One thing you did very well was giving good supporting evidence. You made great points for your argument and found really good quotes and evidence to support yourself. It made for a very convincing argument. Another thing that you did well was make a great connection to your life. I liked to hear how you found an escape from your competitive school in art, and it made for a very nice personal touch. One thing that you could improve on in your essay is clarifying your thesis. You made really good points in your essay, they were just more toward art and science being somewhat intertwined. One suggestion I have that could strengthen your thesis and make it fit your essay more would be to reword it to make it seem like you believe in less of a hard line between the two.
Below are my annotations of Kamryn’s essay
While your 150-word note was specific and thoughtful, I strongly encourage you to include more marginal comments while you read. Those marginal comments provide you with a vehicle to directly and consistently address your peers’ rhetorical choices. Make sure that you check-in with the assignment sheet before Tuesday, when your final peer review is due.